...At about this time in the morning, I was staring disbelieving at two little pink lines on a stick that were telling me in pastel tones that my life had just changed forever. It was on April Fool's Day, ironically, that I learned I was expecting our first baby. Our Hayden.
That test was the first of many that day. After studying those lines under every light and angle possible to make sure that wasn't a fluke, I promptly ripped out another test and tried again. Yet again, here came a faint, creeping little ribbon of pink telling me to
believe. I stared in the mirror at my giddy, nearly hysterical expression. Really? REALLY? WHEEEEEEEEEE!!! I ran straight to the bedroom and plopped face down in the comforter and rolled around hugging myself and crying. I immediately said a prayer thanking God for this blessing and asking for him to watch over me and guide me and to protect this gracious gift. Then I ran back to the bathroom to continue my scrutiny of the stripe-y sticks.
I began thinking of how to tell Chris. He'd already left for work, and I knew I couldn't tell him over the phone - I wanted to see his reaction myself - so I had to plot about how to break the news. I knew I'd have to be pretty convincing - it was April Fool's Day, after all! By lunch time, my nerve was failing, and I was sure that the tests that morning had been figments of my imagination, some cosmic prank pulled on me at an hour of the morning during which I'm less than conscious most days. Off I scooted to the local drugstore, where I invested a small fortune in more tests, various tests, that tell you the news in all sorts of arithmetic ways - pluses, minuses, one line, two lines, pink lines, blue lines... and came running back to work where I promptly locked myself in the bathroom and proceeded to convince myself again. Finally, this digital number is the one that did it.
When I saw that word blink onto the screen, I felt the blood run out of my face, and my stomach lurched. Really? Really? ohgodohgodohgodohgod... Is it too late to change my mind? I'm not sure I'm ready for this! Well, ready or not...
Although trying to doubt myself, I still was certain enough of the results at lunch to pick up a tiny onesie that I saw that had "Daddy's little angel" printed on it (in pink, ironically), and a teddy bear that said "I love my Daddy" (also in pink, the only color I could find in the store that day!). When I got home from work, I stuffed those in a gift bag and left them on the kitchen counter for Chris as I went about getting dinner ready. I don't think I'll ever forget that meal - it was a rotisserie chicken from Kroger and Stouffer's mac and cheese. I'm sure missing out on all my home cooked meals ranked high on Chris's list of things he was sad to see change when Hayden got here.
Upon arriving home, Chris saw the bag. Oh that? That's just a little April Fool's gift for you. I didn't know we did those, he said. Today we do - open it. The pause that followed seemed eternal as he stared from bear to onesie, from onesie to bear, then finally, slowly to me. He kept staring. I kept waiting. I think he was faintly hoping for me to yell "April Fool's" and laugh like a hyena at my great joke, but I could tell from his face he knew better. I said, "it's real, Sweetie, no jokes", and displayed my ziploc bag collection of proof. He was so sweet. Even though I could see he was very near either puking or passing out, he came across the room and hugged me and told me how happy he was. We both knew that although he was, in theory, happy about the prospect, the sheer terror of the possibility far outweighed it at that moment. He broke from his emotion for a moment to laugh at my display of tests. "Is that all you've done today?" he asked. "Honestly, just about."
We sat down to dinner, and after watching him swirl the same forkful around his plate for at least 10 minutes I realized I probably should have let the man have a last meal before I sent his guts into so many knots that would surely take weeks to unravel.
"I think I'm going to go mow the lawn," he said, getting up. Code for "I need to run and hide for a bit." So I sat alone in the living room, my own head and thoughts spinning wildly, as he began mowing. And mowing. And mowing. As darkness crept over the yard, the mower kept chugging along. I think he was long finished, but just out there driving in circles as long as he could stand it to avoid coming in and facing the new reality I'd just unveiled to him. I was partially amused at his panic, and partially wondering what memo he got that I had missed.
Now, in all fairness, Chris has been so very excited about Hayden's arrival, as have I, for most of the last year. It's just, you know that old saying, "be careful what you wish for..."? Well, I think, that night, a year ago today, the reality of what we'd been wishing for hit us both like a cold water bath, and it took a little while to absorb it. I believe that's why it takes 9 months for a baby to be born. You need all 9 to wrap your head around this wonderful, terrifying, life-altering miracle.
Of course, standing here, one year later, it seems as if that night was 5 years ago, or even longer. We've lived 3 lifetimes since then, and now that our wonderful little Hayden is here, we couldn't imagine our lives any other way. How funny it is to look back on the shadows of who you were and see their innocence and ignorance and blissful unawareness of what is waiting 'round the corner. My, oh my, what we didn't know then, and even now, could fill volumes, I'm sure. It will be interesting to see what next year holds...
